In my most recent therapy session, my therapist and I embarked on a new path together: utilizing our relationship as a vehicle for mutual vulnerability and transparency. I know this must sound like any therapy session. Isn’t the client always supposed to be vulnerable and transparent? But the key word here is “mutual”.
Let me back up to explain better. One large theme in my own personal development centers on a willingness to be truly honest and direct with my emotions, even when they may run contrary to what the other person would like to hear. Some of this hesitance seems predicated on a fear of conflict; that somehow my honesty will create a rupture and I will lose the relationship. One possible antidote to this predicament is the belief that others are durable and strong, that they can handle honesty. Unfortunately, by not speaking openly, I am perpetuating the converse narrative: that the person I am speaking to is weak and cannot handle my honesty.
And, entangled within these distorted cognition, there is also a belief that I cannot handle this conflict, that this rupture would provide evidence of my own inadequacy and underlying undesirability. I fear the anger of another that cuts to my core and leaves me feeling worthless.
So the antidote is not just to believe that the other is strong and sturdy, but that I am also strong and sturdy. I must deepen my capacities for self-soothing and continue on the path of differentiation. When I am at peace in my own strength and the strength of others, then I know longer have to coddle anyone. I don’t have to hide my words or my feelings. I can let go of fear that I may destroy another.
I am reminded of Martin Buber’s I-Thou relationship in which the other is seen with a sense of respect and dignity. In this position, there is no “leaping-in” to rescue the other, but rather an innate belief in the other’s ability and capacities. This does not preclude the offering of guidance or assistance, but in this place, you approach on the same plane, not from above or below. I suppose this equitable position relies on an acknowledgment of the other’s strength — by approaching as an equal, I am highlighting our mutual strength (or mutual confusion — because how much do any of us really know?!).
So anyways, back to where I started. My therapist requested that I view him as sturdy and capable of handling all my thoughts and feelings, even (or especially) when I felt critical or annoyed by him. My counter-request then, was that I be seen as sturdy too, and that I would like him to share the thoughts and feelings that arise during our session. Not just advice or reflections of what I said, but the emotions he feels, the things that cause discomfort. For instance, I recorded this last therapy session and in this transparent disclosing, he acknowledged the mixed feelings he had about this choice — how it put pressure on him in a way, and possibly caused unconscious censorship.
But I share this as it describes a new stage in a long relationship. Another feeling that he shared centered on the sense of sadness that accompanied this shift, that he would miss the days when he played more a paternal role. I could sense this in myself as well. There was a childlike longing to be taken care of. Part of me wanted to move backwards, to forego this strength and differentiation.
Yet, reflecting back on this session, I see that our relationship deepened substantially. I feel closer and more connected to him now. Perhaps this is the ultimate reason to lean in to sturdiness — that from this mutual recognition of strength comes the capacity for deep connection. If I am not sturdy, I am not truly an individual — how can I connect with another? I would just merge with them or rely on them. But from a place of sturdiness, suddenly then I can approach in an I-Thou position, allowing a sense of intimacy only possible amongst equals. I smile in my appreciation for this relationship that we have cultivated.